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Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Top Ten People You Don’t Want to Fish Next To

Welcome back kids. Before I delve into this week’s topic I’d just like to say (well actually type) a few words about the incredible oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. In order to keep out of the political bull that is surrounding this mess, all I want to say is that as fishermen (as well as people), I think we can all recognize how much something like this blows on so many levels. And I really just wanted to say what a tragedy it has become for a lot of people including fishermen, locals, residents, and tons of others. I know my blogs are usually on the lighter side but I thought it would be inconceivable not to mention something like this in a fishing blog. But now… on with the show!!!

This week’s blog is about the people you hate to fish with or near. Everyone has a story about someone who has ruined their fishing trip just by being… well…. alive. So this blog was inspired by all of those people out there that you just wish you could punt into the lakes as soon as they stroll up next you and open their mouth.

As always – suggestions about topics are welcomed and please don’t be shy. The worst thing that could happen is you make an awful suggestion and I’ll post your name, member photo, and email address along with the terrible suggestion in my next blog for everyone to read and humiliate you. Nah I’m just kidding, I wouldn’t post your member photo – that’s way too much work. (Just kidding – all suggestions and suggestors will remain completely anonymous.)

In an attempt to spice things up a bit (and helping to get my list of 10), I’ve thrown in a few characters (which will be obvious when you come across them) that you’d probably never run into on the lake – but I thought they would be worth mentioning. So, in no particular order, the following list represents Chipty’s List of the Top Ten People You Don’t Want to Fish Next To:

Hitler – So I started it off with a bang to get a quick laugh. In any event, this is a guy you wouldn’t want to run into anywhere. No explanation needed!

Overzealous Zach – Yessssssssss! Screams this overenthusiastic fisherman who couldn’t be more smitten with the tiny turd of a fish he’s reeled in after 12 hours of fishing in the sweltering heat. I’m all for optimism, but how is this guy’s glass half full when my half evaporated 10 hours ago?

Donald Downer – Cousin or perhaps father to Debbie Downer (with a name like Debbie Downer they have to be from the Incestual South). This is one member of the Downer Family Tree you don’t want to run into. This guy is just miserable no matter what the conditions are like, and no matter how many fish he’s caught. He could boat a fish that makes your daily lunker look like something out of a fish tank and he still finds something to bitch and moan about.

Abraham Lincoln – Let’s be real here for a second. We’re all fisherman, and more or less cut from the same cloth. As the years wear on, the numbers get bigger (just like how many “fish” we’ve had and the size of our…… rods). But with Honest Abe at your side everyone will know how few fish you’ve landed, how busted they really were, and how unequipped you were to handle them.

Big Brother Volunteer – Now I have nothing against the big brother/big sister concept and I think it’s wonderful that people volunteer their time for these activities. That is until, they come strolling down towards my end of the lake and plop down within arms reach. I don’t know how many times I’ve told myself not to hit a man that’s probably serving court ordered volunteer time.

The Newlyweds – I’m not sure if any of you have had the unfortunate pleasure of watching this terrible reality TV show. But imagine, just for a moment, that a couple such as this plops down next to you while you’re fishing. With chit chat that would bore even a mildly intelligent 3rd grader – you’re probably going to want to pick up your shit and get out of there.

Canoeing Charlie and Kayaking Kelly – Now this duo may fit into the Newlyweds category but I’ve made them their own category because it’s not that it’s a guy and a girl – it’s what they’re doing. I used to fish at a pretty recreational lake, and again, I have nothing against the outdoors and people enjoying it. However, when this dynamic duo comes paddling their way across the lake, seemingly B-Lining it right for me, there’s really nothing to do but bomb them with lures. And if they’re quick enough to dodge your casts (you probably suck at casting if this is the case – they’re in canoes for Pete’s Sake) then I suggest throwing anything you can find at them that can replaced for under $3.

And last but not least, the oil conglomerates BP or Exxon Valdez – Because there’s nothing you want to do less than fish next to an oil covered baby seal. I’m sorry, I just couldn’t help myself.

Well, that’s my list and I’m sticking to it! Did anybody else notice there were only 8 characters on my top 10 list? Well those last 3 are open for discussion amongst you, the members. I’d like to hear what you have to say on the subject. And remember, send in your topics to, with the subject line “Attn: Chipty.” And by the way, I’m still waiting for my fan mail and love letters to start pouring in, so splurge for that $0.00 virtual stamp and click the send button.

Until next time…

Fish On,


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