Welcome one, welcome all to my latest blogarooski. How was the entrance? Overdone? Ah, it’s just my style. This week I wanted to keep the blog on the lighter side and talk about mortality rates amongst fisherman. Nah, I’m just kidding. But this week’s blog is kind of an ode to the stupidity of fisherman and a bit of the Murphy’s Law that seems to follow us wherever we decide to deploy our poles. Thanks to the FishAddix member, who will remain anonymous, for suggesting the topic. Reminder: if you have a topic you would like the talented CHIPTY to explore, you can send your ideas to (firstname.lastname@example.org) with the subject line, “ATTN: CHIPTY”. You can also send fan mail and love letters to the same address.
The Top Ten Worst Things You Could Do while Fishing:
To give you a little insight into the crazy mind that is CHIPTY, I’ve ranked the following predicaments based on a few categories:
• Most damage – monetary and physical damage,
• Humorous – because yeah, I’m kind of sick like that, and
• Personal Experience – there’s not much someone can say when you’ve dealt with one of these issues first hand. It always seems like its the worst when it’s happened to you.
So keep that in mind when you’re perusing through the list. And without further ado – read on!
10) The Coveted Tree Cast: Everybody has been through this one. Or at least been witness to it. You’re standing on the bank reeling in your latest failed attempt and you see a splash. You reel up and realize that the splash you saw is just out of reach under the overhanging weeping willow tree. You put on your Evel Knievel hat and cast that puppy out. But before you’re line is done unspooling from you reel, you realize, you’re not going to get a chance at that fish. And you’re going to spend the next 15 minutes trying to get your lure, or live bait, (that poor helpless shiner) back from the branches you’ve just caught.
9) Fishing Injuries: There is a vast array of fishing injuries one could sustain while working the waters we all love. From dislocating your rotator cuff because you were in a casting competition with your friends – to twisting an ankle because you fell off the upper ledge of your boat during a hook set. They are more bizarre and seemingly contrived from the Heavens above then the range of sports related injuries we hear about on TV. I’d better leave this one to the experts. What’s your worst fishing injury?
8) Get in My Way Will Ya: We have all had those moments on the lake where nothing seems to be going our way. The 4lb you’ve been trying to catch finally took your lure but snapped your line on some submerged trees. Or no matter how many times you’ve past your favorite fishing hole, those damn kids are still there skipping rocks. The ups and downs of fishing can certainly lead to a little panty bunching and I’m sure we can all admit to getting a little hot headed at times. The problem with getting hot headed on a crowded lake is that you’re just looking for someone to take your anger out on. And you’re in luck. The Benny with the shiny 17-foot bass tracker is testing your limits and coming awfully close to where you’re fishing. “Bombs away,” you shout in your head as you hook up a heavy, dual trebled lure and cast that bad boy onto his boat. Hopefully he’s not having an equally bad day, or you could be in for a good old fashioned fishing brawl.
7) No Gas in the Motor: This one never seems to happen to you as you’re setting sail to get your day under way. Nah, the fishing Deities decide when this one happens. And it’s usually just far enough from shore that you can’t yell for help, and not quite far enough that you’ve made it to your favorite spot. And of course, you lent your extra paddle to your kid who broke his in a freak kayaking incident. You thought, it’s no big deal, how many times have I actually needed the paddles anyway.
6) Bathroom Anyone: For those of you who know me, and those of whom I haven’t had the pleasure, believe me, I wanted to put this one higher on the list. Perhaps as high as number two (oh yeah – pun intended!). So when I say, I’m speaking from experience here, this has definitely happened to me a time or two (more puns – I just can’t help myself). Never, and I mean never, forget to take that pregame trip to the men’s room before going on a fishing trip. And I’m not talking about the nature you can relieve by using the edge of the boat as your urinal. Alas, nature isn’t always calling when you want it to, and if you leave the men’s room broken-hearted, remember, pack your lunch in paper!
5) Did You Unhook the Boat: This one is painful to experience because you’re probably going to be putting a new hitch and/or bumper on your car, depending on how fast you went down the boat ramp, but thoroughly hilarious to watch. The gray area, if you will, is when you’re sitting on the boat while your fishing buddy backs it down the boat ramp. If you manage to stay in the boat, after he slams on the brakes, you won’t know whether to laugh or cry. Laugh my friends, laugh, because everyone else is.
4) Where are My Keys: Can’t find your keys? As much as you want to think that you’re not that stupid, you are. Of course you shouldn’t have put your keys in your shirt pocket while you went fishing. And of course, as if by the grace of God, you probably lost them while you bent down to lip the lunker of the day.
3) Now Where is that Plug: We all have a lot of things on our mind, and I’m sure that fishing is one way all FishAddix try to forget the realities and responsibilities of everyday life. But when you’re doing that final once over, make sure you remember to put the plug in the back of the boat. Not doing so can ultimately lead to the disaster that is number two on our countdown, if you don’t realize it soon enough, or if that archaic bilge pump your Uncle gave you 3 years ago doesn’t live up to all the, “they don’t make ‘em like they used to” hype.
2) Going Down with the Ship: Just like us, boats have an expiration date too. And like the guy choking on a handful of popcorn during your favorite movie, they tend to punch out at the most inconvenient of times. Of course, you can extend your boat’s sea-worthiness by taking good care of it. But like everyone who owns a boat knows, if you did all the work it needed, you probably wouldn’t have a house and little Suzy certainly wouldn’t have a college fund. The only question you have to ask yourself is: When that baby goes down, are you going to pull a Leonardo DiCaprio and go down with the ship? Or are you going to say, “To hell with the women and children, I’m jumping ship.”
1) The Human Hook Set: And the number one worst thing to do while you are fishing is – hook a friend. I’m torn on whether I’d rather be on the giving or receiving end of this situation (did the almighty CHIPTY just leave the door wide open for tons of bedroom jokes), because I’m not sure if I’d want to drive my friend to the ER, while he’s bleeding all over my car, and explain to the nurses that I’m the one that sunk those treble hooks a half inch deep into the back of his neck, or, if I’d rather be the one pointing and screaming as the nurse pumps more morphine into me. Because you know for one, he’s keeping that lure as a trophy, two, you’re going to have to foot the medical bills and several rounds at the pub afterward, and three, he’s got the ultimate pickup line for the rest of his life while you’re cast into the dungeons of solitary confinement because you made one bad cast. Either way, not a good situation to be in, and depending on the type of hook and how strong your cast is, I think this one has the most potential for damage and will make a hilarious story down the road (after that wound closes up of course).
So these were my worst crimes committed while fishing, what are some bad things that have happened to you over the years?
And how would you have ranked the situations mentioned above?
Stay tuned for next week’s blog, where CHIPTY elaborates on a topic he hasn’t thought of yet! All ideas welcome.